fumbling around the couch for change

stop_youre_gay @ 2006-10-30T13:06:00

2006-10-30T21:07:30Z

i was nearly confident that livejournal seised to be...i was wrong.

if anyone cares.....

im in california, living day by day. I am currently working on my new car...89 Volvo, which is actually quite the beauty. I stepped inside of my friends smoke shop, and am listening to an enraged customer complaining about a 99 cent cigarette roller. im tempted to poke my head out and tell him to quit being such a cheap shit, but i wont. Why cant this douchebag just buy a REAL pack of cigarettes, and save himself the heartache of having a defective peice of 'top' merchandise?

California is doin some weird shit to me. I hate most of the people ive seen, and i cant seem to get the full understanding of how the fuckin freeways work here. there are WAY too many.

This crackwhores husband is STILL bitching about the cigarette roller. I swear to god im gunna kill him.

Anyhow...its hard to sum up a whole year into one entry. so i wont.

its weird how reminessant ive been these past few days. i miss people that ill never get back. i keep thinking ill go back to portland and everything will pick up where it left off...but it wont.

fuck this, my fingers hurt.

you are only considered poverty stricken if you have no internet.

2006-01-30T07:28:44Z

fuck food, clothes or modern technology, ill just pay for gas, rent and car insurence

internet is for nincompoops

stop_youre_gay @ 2005-09-19T21:17:00

2005-09-20T04:25:32Z

strange as it may seem, i hate myself in school. its like my mind wont stop bouncing around.

being senior year, i have things in addition to school i need to fret about, like the SATs, and making money for college, even making money for life.

im working on it though

stop_youre_gay @ 2005-09-12T17:01:00

2005-09-13T00:22:04Z

I recently found that my uncle passed away this morning. he pulled his own plug.

R.I.P Scott Christensen

11:36 makes me puke..

2005-09-10T07:09:51Z

It's 11:36, and I have this foul taste in my mouth. I'm surrounded by nothingness. I've become the kid with the vacant stare in the hallway, completely lethargic and just bored. I went to my classes today, and I know I want to like being there. I'm not following the "fad" of hating being in school. I just lack a connection with people, one that is supposed to be made with little effort.

I keep looking at my dog. Its like hes dieing more and more each step he takes. I sat on the couch for about 20 minutes just staring at him. The both of us had the same thing on our minds..."I'm tired." I know hes not thinking about hes boyfriend of almost 8 months. Wondering how he can be so oblivious at the fact that I'm struggling...dont know what from, or how, just am.

It's not just coincidence that when I'm without him, he's all I want, and when I'm with him, I wanna ring his stupid neck. I want what I can't have, and dont want what I DO have, and so on. I think if i just get through today, i'll figure my shit out.

I cant even write anymore. I know that all in all, i've failed American literature. I am talking just as moronic and dimwhittedly as every other american fuck that inhabits this planet. Doesn't that get boring? drab? sad? this is ridiculous.

i need to find my chi...where the FUCK is my chi?

stop_youre_gay @ 2005-08-27T11:30:00

2005-08-27T19:17:42Z

My sister is 13 and she is sneaking out, getting drunk, and taking life on at full throttle, as a 13 YEAR OLD, might i add. All the while my parents have been completely opblivious to it, leaving me in an awkward predicament. A few weeks ago she called me up, drunk, and asked me what to do. so me, being the "responsible" older sister that i am, told her too go back to the place she said she would be. i also added in the whole, "if you swear never to do this again, i wont tell mom and dad. and if I DO catch you, ill kick your ass." I dont know if it worked though, because now she is most likely just not going to tell me the next time it happens.

As if me knowing things damaging to my sisters health is bad enough, my parents give me this whole speal about how im untrustworthy, and they trust cilesse (my sister) much more than they do me. by this time im repeating over and over in my head "cilesse is the spawn of satan, cilesse is the spawn of satan, cilesse is the spawn of satan." Which given her gene pool, she is.

You see, this was all brought on because my parents decided to go out of town, leaving me here for the weekend. I go to parties, and I lie on occasion, but i would NEVER be dumb enough to have a party at my house. I've seen enough TV sitcoms to know whats good for me.

After sitting in my room for 20-30 minutes in hysterics, at about 1:30 am, i realize how i wanted to talk to aaron. I couldnt call him though, because he was at a strip club with another girl. It's a real kick in the face when you cant talk to somebody when you need them the most, because they ahve enough boobies and one dollar bills to satisfy the United States congress in its entirety. All the while you have an untuned pink guitar, and way too much super mario bros. staring you in the face.

I dont know this girl, but she seems really cool, and i know i said i didnt care if they went, but FUCK! I dont know what i am supposed to think. in the long run i am the worst girlfriend, because i just dont give a shit.

stop_youre_gay @ 2005-08-25T18:33:00

2005-08-26T02:05:00Z

ive been doing more screen printing.

i made this for aarons birthday

NOTE:

I SPELLED REPLACEABLE WRONG!

all along i though slurping was a respectful thing...turns out were not in Japan.

2005-08-21T04:59:26Z

Lesson of the Day: While eating cereal, dont slurp and chew with mouth open.

Tip is compliments of AARON WHITMORE!

stop_youre_gay @ 2005-08-19T13:49:00

2005-08-19T21:00:13Z

this is a major feat in the relationship realm...taking polaroids of eachother.

stop_youre_gay @ 2005-08-18T14:05:00

2005-08-18T21:17:57Z

Something I REALLY would like to know, is what actually happens to an idle mind. Mine has been idle for quite some time now, and i havent gotten into a gang or into drugs like people say happens to kids when thay have nothing to do but read livejournal posts, eat apple pie and play video games. Anyhow, thats my "up-time." I'd like to think my days will become lass and less dull.

I woke up this morning to Aarons phone call. pleasant but early. he came over, we got down, and he left.

It is definately a strange thing depending on one person, as your best friend who you talk to about all that shitty shit that goes down, and someone you love. I dont know if ive secluded myself from other people.......FUCK IT

stop_youre_gay @ 2005-08-18T00:01:00

2005-08-18T07:09:44Z

staying
home
BLOWS!

I am so bored. I want to do something somewhat productive, but all i can think of is lounge around. I can generally do that....with Aaron. But by myself I just get bored.

F
U
C
K

stop_youre_gay @ 2005-08-12T22:22:00

2005-08-13T05:40:40Z

This really blows. Try losing a wallet on the bus, then trying to run after it, only to see it drive off with out stopping.

ill be dreaming of wallets

La Villas de Mariposas

2005-08-10T19:30:45Z

For quite some time now, I've been poorly searching for a job, and when it comes down to it, I've failed. I have both turned in applications, and followed up on them, only to get "we'll call you." I know job searching has been said to be difficult, but I refused to believe it.

I look in the windows of fast food restaurants, and all I see is illiterate fucks, that are more-so capable of getting a job than I am. THAT, kids, is what pisses me off about America. We are said to be so high and mighty, to a point where billions (I say billions, although I have no real idea as to how many people are let in our country with VISA's) of people from third world countries come to America, take up jobs, and are the cause of large community housing being built on killingsworth. Sure they have a considerably larger work ethic than I ever will, and they expect much less pay than a white girl living in the suburbs, like myself. Is that STILL reason enough for them to abandon their country with unsanitary drinking water, and a president named Vicente Fox.

Regardless of the ironies of our immigration policy that well dominates our countries agenda....I still need a job.

stop_youre_gay @ 2005-07-25T20:03:00

2005-07-26T02:32:39Z

For the past few weeks, I have been brushing up on my diaper changing techniques, babysitting skills, and testing the extent of my patience....(which is by all means NOT infinate.)
~Monday of last week, I recieved word of my visit to Montana. After much heel dragging, i agreed.
~Thursday I left after work to Seattle.
~Friday we started an 11 hour journey to Kalispel, MT.
~Saturday, get this, went to the BISON RANGE! yep....saw some bison.
~Sunday, went to this barbeque that a friend of mine asked me to. ended up going to a water park in columbia falls (20 miles outside of Kalispel) then he took me on his boat to wake board.
~Today, visited Glacier National Park.
now i cant come home until thrusday

stop_youre_gay @ 2005-07-13T22:33:00

2005-07-14T05:42:33Z

SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII...............................IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII................................................IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

into his house

2005-06-10T19:25:33Z

i want to die a little every time I come across a multiple choice question that I am in no way able to answer on final exams. so basically.....ill be dead by 1:oo.

In lieu of my means of housing.....i was kicked out temporarily, however at the time it was indefinate.

talked with teacher and VP about expulsion....truth be told, im NOT getting the das boot.

I'm considering this as an alternative career

stop_youre_gay @ 2005-05-09T20:48:00

2005-05-10T04:07:12Z

Periodically, I wish the screwey beasts from The Never Ending Story would pop out from beneath me and completely pulverize me. Or better yet wiley kyote would miss roadrunner, and accidently drop a piano filled with dynomite on me.

i had an alright week...

wednesday I finished this cruisade of a project for french, and because I had nothing to do, and aaron had the day off. Turns out, I was almost KICKING HIS ASS AT SOUL CALIBUR!!!!!!! oh and I got some...;)

Thursday after school Mae and I fucked around the hollywood district until aaron got off. She and I got hair dye/bleech and ate some grub. I went to Aarons and got some more. We met up with Mae, and went to my friend Dars party. Essentially all the people who showed up, were in some way intoxicated, and the others were just dumbasses for showing up sober.....me, mae and aaron. Aaron ended up going home, and mae and I had no money. So like the the douchebags we are, we left the party to get shit together and have a crazy night on the town.
When we got home, we found there was no way of bussing back out to downtown portland in time, so we called davie, her brother. He said there was some party we all could go to, but turns out we couldnt. So in turn, he came home with tacobell for the both of us. Now, i dont smoke weed often at all, but we had nothing better to do, so we did.....i was high. All the while we bleeched my hair, and cut it.....HIGH! so the outcome? blotchy hair, and a mullet.

Friday I woke up high from the night before. Davi, Mae and I went to Lloyd center and we all bought matching Slayer shirts to coincide with my mullet. I also got one with an eagle on the front....because naturally i'm glad to be an American.
Mae had work at 5, so davi drove me to Lydias, and we got her out of some prom thing, and had a party. It wasnt all that bad, i just havent been able to stomoch PBR lately. I tend to get sick before I get drunk. and if i do get enough in my system to get drunk, if anyone touches me i'll much likely explode. I have to say, the best part was staying in lydias parents bed with Aaron....mmmmmhmmmmmm

Saturday we woke up sick, and around 1 went to raven ink to get Abomb a tat. that was fun. at six he and i were going to a party for a family friend, turns out we were late, by 3 and a half hours. than we went home.

sunday i stayed home and fucked around

today was shitty. rain. school. bad movie. fight. guilt. fuck you mom\

oh AND!!!!!!!!!!!!! my birthday is thursday

stop_youre_gay @ 2005-04-25T18:08:00

2005-04-26T01:54:07Z

This weekend went as follows;

Mom went biz zerk, what with the goiter in her throat, and her emotions running wild. She started taking steroids to ease the swelling. And along with her taking paxil for 9 years because of anxiety, these steroids have a little side effect of ANXIETY. So friday, instead of running wild on the streets like i am generally pigeon-holed to do, i decided to spend my day with lydia, my G. After chilling and doing spot at Pajama Game(Cleveland's spring musical), we planned on going to mae's house to, you know, get CRUNK. We didn't, and we ended up going to her house.

That night Aaron and i got in a fight. I said fuck you, and he said sorry, and it wen't pretty much like that. No real substance to the arguments we were making, just emotions butting heads.

The next morning, i met up with Aaron at 1 ish, but before that, My mom called a said some profanities, and i was told to come home at 5. So when i met up with aaron, we looked for jobs, and went to Value Village. I ended up going home at 5.

At 7, i get a call from andy. He insisted on picking me up, so he did. I took my tupperware of stir fry and two forks to his car and went downtown. We parked in a smart park, and chucked stir fry and passer-bys. Then at 9 (2 hours late) we got to cleveland to get lydia. From there we got coffee BACK downtown. Pen called, and needed me to take a bottle of wine off of his hands so we went and got him, where he was waving an uncorked bottle of cheap california wine in the middle of Sandy Blvd. We took that and headed home. On the way, a car of mexicans were driving next to us making faces. As i tried to avoid them, lydia waved and they tried following us. However, with andys crazed car maneuvering, we managed to lose tham. We got to her house, where she sat and watched Saturday Night Live, and Andy and I, like 12 year olds, looked up images of STDs on google.

We talked Lyd into going back out, where we went to the Roxy and did shit like that.

Sunday Lydia needed to leave at 10, so i went home and met up with aaron in hopes of seeing Kung Foo Hustle, which never happened. We instead went to 2nd avenue records, where i got Roxy Musique, and Guitar Wolf. Then to the $ Tree. THEN to the park for a pick-nick. We spit at cobwebs, hurled pudding at the ground made racist jokes to the man running, and any other person in that srubby park, got sick on the mary-go-round, made out on that may-go-round, got sicker because kids started pushing us on it, and that headed home in a round-about way.

when are you going to die?

2005-04-23T06:11:14Z

I am honestly just mentally exhausted...I dont even know why im wasting my time writing in an online diary that nobody reads (unless it has pictures, mind you) I dont know if I'm complaining because I'm not getting my way, or if the shit I have to complain about is actually worthy of my complaints.

I'm being sucked dry, emotionally, physically, financially.

Tomorrow has to kick ass in order to counterballance the shittyness of today...

Je chier sur VIE!

2005-04-22T00:29:59Z

GODDAMN. Im taking this SAT course over the internet, and its such bullshit! All I have been doing is reading about "Finding My Pace." If i dont learn anything through this, i'll for sure be pissed.

I wanna see The Faint, so I'm going to....and I'm pumped.

PS: I love you Aaron

Feed the men to all the Giants

2005-04-15T03:26:37Z

Yesterday, while in my french class hamming it up for extensions on assignments, my friend Lydia calls and says "hey, im at your school." so she comes in with this kid (i say kid because at the time i had not a clue he was 23) that she met on the but 5 minutes prior. We hung out at clacamas, pioneer square, and short of writing a novel, it was good times. It was good up until the moment I ironically run into my sister while my mom was in the bathroom, after i had just ditched them to "do homework." My sister has never been cooler. she told me to run. Kudos to you Cilesse.

Out of 3 long block classes (oh the good and the bad of block schedule) I was late for all three. Not just "running in when the bell rings" late, but "visiting the attendance office in order to be allowed in" late. But i dont mind all that much. Gave me something to do durring the HOUR AND A HALF of each class.

Durring lunch, at Claire's house, I received an e-mail from Deva's guardian in Palo Alto telling me the following;

Ciera,
What is your address? I'll have the Academy send you admissions materials. You're very talented and you should go the the best art college available. The San Francisco Academy of Art University has a very prestigious reputation within the industry. I'd also be happy to write a professional reccomendation for you.
They have undergraduate tours of the campus Monday through Saturday and you are more than welcome to
come stay with us for a weekend if you're interested in taking a tour.

I can hardly handle this. She has offered me a place to live there, and I really want this. However, Without hesitation my mom rains on my parade by pointing out all MY faults, and how difficult it will be for me to handle living on my own. I dont know what she is getting at, and frankly I'd be perfectly content not knowing.

EDIT: Rite Aide followed through with photo development(a couple days late) and now my complaint is that i paid 18 dollars to develop two 35mm, low quality, LATE rolls.

stop_youre_gay @ 2005-04-14T09:34:00

2005-04-14T16:39:30Z

rite aide needs to pick it up in terms of developing pictures. i went over this morning before school, and they took ten minutes only to remember that they hadn't come in.

NOTE:: They definately say it takes one day!

It has been three days, and im very frustrated. Almost as frustrated as the hulk child.....

WATCH OUT!

stop_youre_gay @ 2005-04-08T02:27:00

2005-04-08T09:27:20Z

MY HAIR IS BLAAAAAAAACK

and you say you wanna roooock my nigguh?!?!!?

2005-04-05T23:41:29Z

I dont know if im going to make it to college or not. I dont know if I can even go for art. I worked my ass off on sketchbooks last night.....(reguradless of my procrastination problem, it wasnt bad at all) and today she said she wouldn't take it, and that i would most likely recieve a failing grade. Perhaps she will be getting a failing grade as a teacher!!! She single-handedly, over the course of a year, made me hate art. I'm afraid thats all I'm good at though. fuck if I get an education now!

stop_youre_gay @ 2005-04-03T19:16:00

2005-04-04T02:35:25Z

Among 40's of Yagermeister, boones farms, mickeys, full cases of PBR, horney boys, hormonal birthday girls and my insensitivity, i found it in myself to get shitfaced...VERY shitfaced.

Over the course of this weekend, I managed to get my drunk on.

Friday I hung out with Mae and Pen until Mae had to work at 5, begrudgingly. Then Pen and myself went off to Vodoo Doughnuts and some other places that i've forgotten...we came back at 9 to get mae, and met up with kody and his friend with hauntingly good looks, Ron. The five of us bussed to Mae's, and were greeted with a beer run. Mae gave Cam money, and he came back with a box full of boo's. Mae and i each got some of that classy boones farms and a 40 of Mickeys. We went to the park, and Kody and I were left there by our selves. so, naturally, we threw an empty Mickeys bottle into a parking lot and ran....and fell. That night I passed out and woke up only a few minutes later in Maes older brothers bed. So i went to sleep with mae in her bed.

Saturday I woke up sandwiched in between mae and Kodys stunningly hot friend. He then says, "Ciera how did we sleep in the same bad and not fuck?" I was hung over like no other. THen we went for a beer run once again, and played drinking games untill nightfall. shitfaced all over again. Mae cries when she gets drunk so i felt bad. but theres nothing i could do but sit there.